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Date Published: 07/26/10

Mentor Relationships last longer without sex or money By Farouk Martins Aresa

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Only if men of “timber and caliber”, presidents, kings, chiefs and hard working Dele would think both ways before crossing into a different continent to mentor a young lady and not let their joy sticks get into their heads. Mature men sexual desire has tumbled thrones, careers, dwarfed accomplishments and turned some homeless just with a flip of the skirt by a young flirt. Given a second chance to do it all over again, mentoring or friendship not sex, would be the only focus.   

Sex itself is a natural behavior that we share with people we feel certain magnetic force of attraction to or an infatuation. In the spices of life, we may wonder if there is a relationship worth its salt that does not involve money or sex. However, most people will admit that at some point friendship was great between two people until they started sexual relationship. People could confide in each other freely before they started the sex thing.  

The expectation created as a result of sexual relationship has consequences that demands time and money. If sex and money is left out, a relationship can grow forever because expectation is reduced to other form of psychological dependency that does not involve exerting energy that can be traded but may be emotional nonetheless. We sometimes want our friend to ourselves and less time with others even when there is no sexual or monetary reward. 

When we talk about dislocation of relationships between older men and young women or cougars and young men it is always about sexual desires on the part of the older and the sniff of money prospects by the younger. There used to be noble men that went to villages to bring a little girl, send her to school and wait. So, we may have destroyed many happy relationships by placing too much emphasis on immediate sexual gratification when we should be mentors.  

On the other hand, there are those cases where ladies have packed their belongings and vamoosed into helping hands because their husbands neglected to perform his most important duty. No, it does not depend on the post-puberty age if told she had been married to a family whose house she would have moved to. The better situation could be for the girl if too young to stay with the man’s relatives to avoid any temptations, until she was ready to be a woman. In other words, couples do not have to jump into bed immediately. But some men prefer to see the woman pregnant before they even tie the knot in case she could have difficulty later. 

Yet, there are relationships out there between men and women that do not involve sex, a few of which is traditional or to disguise sexual orientations. A case in point: this “man” who got married to a young woman with children that lost her husband. She found out when “he” died that “he” was really a woman. There are also marriages with kept secrets that never had sexual tones. We need to explore the reasons most of the secrets in these asexual relationships last longer, so that we can learn more about the cost or burden of sexual relationships at any age. 

If quality attention is all we can afford to spend in most relationships with loved ones, we may devote a longer time to one another without a break. It is what we do with our friends of many years but as sex and money creep in, we risk losing it. Ideally, our best friends should be our love mates so that we can last into the golden age when all the sex and money are immaterial at that point in our life. In some cases we wish our best friends, that we never have sex with or expect monetary reward or exchange from, were our spouses. Some girls prefer father figures. 

The fear is always there that at some point the relationship would turn sexual. Police and Army had to come to terms with this when they started pairing male and female officers. The fear amongst police spouses was that if they never spent so much time with their spouses, nobody should. Since the fear has been overcome in the work environment, the Police and Army could not be exceptions. The price is the explosion of sexual harassment against older men superiors.  

Can any woman and man enjoy platonic relationship without their spouse getting jealous? It gets a little more complicated when relationships are between male and female without sex, money, but commitment to others. Men and women are expected to spend most of their money in their families. The more time we spend out there, the less time for the families and the greater are the chances to stray away into the hands of others. If money and time are spent on others at the expense of those we have at home, that would be cheating.   

After all, we also expect reciprocal attention in asexual relations too. Otherwise, we expect to be paid in loyalty, cash or kind in return for the time spent listening, advising and encouraging others. Our parents do it for free expecting and hoping we turn out better in return, our African elders do it for free expecting same but counselors or psychiatrists expect to get paid for her time and attention. Unfortunately, some counselors have gone beyond their duty developing forbidden sexual attachments with their clients.  

Men and women do befriend the same sex members confiding in them or telling them stories they would never share with opposite sex or their husband and wives. There are jokes at men’s bar or women’s spa that will always remain within the same sex. Indeed, those same words may be crude if uttered in the presence of opposite sex. The same type of words may be proper if they do not cross into vulgar or sexual daring of opposite sex they meet at the clubs or work. 

Usually, time spent on others is enjoyed like those spent in bars with other men. The same is true of women. During this period, we spend time and money because we enjoy what we are doing. The golf clubs may not have women members but the wheeling and dealing may lead to contacts for better careers, prospects and other friendships that take time and money away from home. It becomes a debate whether Tigers and Cougars spend more at some gatherings to attract business contacts in order to bring money home or to attract younger males/females.  

We cannot ignore or spend less time in our relationship and claim those spent outside have no sexual or monetary value. Some men are known for spending more money at clubs on food and drinks but less at home to feed their families. Others are known to be stingy with their friends but would spend generously like a drunken sailor whenever young ladies appear at the table. 

Indeed, we can apply some of our platonic friendship to our sexual relationship at any age. 

 

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